okay, this is something that i feel i need to do, its not something i would normally do, but this time i feel like it has to be done.
a year and a half ago i lost my idol, my hero, my great nannan. i dont know why but recently ive been thinking about her constantly, never ending. i hadnt mentioned it to anyone, not even my boyfriend until last night, when an episode of scrubs opened the flood gates and i cried and i cried and i cried. now, this was the first time ive cried about losing her properly in months and i think its because its finally sank in that shes actually gone and shes not coming back. people say time heals wounds but i think you need a hell of a lot of time when you lose someone that means so much to you.
my nan was my hero, she was the one that kept EVERYONE in my family going, she always knew what to say, always had her arms open for a cuddle, even for her 6 foot grandson, when she was only around 4 foot 10...
everytime i cried around her she would cuddle me and say 'just pretend it never happened' then pull my face into a smile, and as bad as it may sound i think thats what ive been doing, pretending that it never happened, that i didnt recieve that god awful phone call from my mum, that i didnt sit for hours listening to her breathing expecting her to wake up, that i didnt have to walk away saying bye for the last time and i think now its finally hit me.
ive just realised none of this probably doesnt make sense but i dont care
she was like my mum, i practically lived with her until i started school, even then i was always at her house in the holidays. she looked after me, always cooked for me, ALWAYS. seriously, how do nannans do it? their food is always amazing.
i know im lucky to have even had a great grandparent as a lot of people dont ever get to meet theirs and everyday i realise how lucky i was to have met her and to have had her in my life for almost 17 years. i just wish she was still here, i always thought she was invincible and nothing would ever happen to her, we all did. it hasnt been the same since, the only good difference is that i see my family before because we all know thats what my nannan would have wanted, it would have made her happy. but yeah, no ones been the same. its like weve all lost a part of us, that hole i felt 18 months ago started to dissapear but now, its back with a vengence and its horrible. i hate it. i dont hate the fact that i miss her, i hate the fact that shes not still around, like she should be.
i know shes still here looking after me, at my cousins wedding recently, two doves turned up on the balcony during the ceremony and stayed there throughout the whole thing, we all know it was my great nannan and grandad.
i didnt cry as much as i thought i would writing this post, but that pain is still there and im going to be thinking about her all night. again.
i just have to make a quick mention to my boyfriend right now, cos hes been the best through this, he was the best when it happened and hes still the best whenever i need to cry. i couldnt ask for anyone better, i just wish he could have met her, she would have loved him. the other night we were sat outside his house trying to see some shooting stars and he pointed to the brightest star in the sky and said 'your nannans out' and it made me so happy that he can say things like that, especially because he doesnt really believe in things like that.
to me my nannan will always be the brightest star in the sky, along with my grandad, but if i started on about him id be here all day talking about them both. i wish i had a chance to tell them both i love them again, but i just have to say it when the stars are out and hope they hear me.
'never before has someone been more, unforgettable in every way, and forever more, thats how you'll stay'
'never take anyone for granted, cos you never know when you might lose 'em'
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